This Constant Inner-Battle

I have come to a decision in my thinking, thanks to some wise words from wise men. It is entirely necessary for me to enjoy, drink deeply, and live in the fullness and greatness of this season of my life. I am constantly waiting and hoping for that next best thing. But this is where God placed me. And based on circumstances, I know that 2006 will be spent here in central Iowa while Marcus finishes his B.A. And I realize every day what a joy the people are in my life: I am fully stressed in my job, but I love the people I work with. I may not have forever on this earth to spend with my family - so I am thankful for holidays at home, weekend/weekday visits to see my relatives, and to watch my beautiful niece grow into the person she was created to be. These days are fleeting, and I have a new zeal to enjoy it to the fullest, because the end of my days here is always uncertain.

But on the other hand - I have been encouraged today to keep my dreams alive! God has given me desires in my heart that I can no longer supress. I know it is not my own initiative that conjured up these desires and passions - it is the Lord! Why else would I dream of living in Japan for life? Why else would I want to sell everything I have to give to the poor and to those who are fundraising and need money more than me? Why else would I desire to die for sharing my faith? These are God-given desires, and they may seem crazy - but they fester in my heart, deep below the smily surface of my face and appearance. I want my life to count, I dont want to waste it and let my days trickle away until it's time to go home. And I dont want to waste the passions and talents God has given me - and right now they are sitting idle in my head and heart. I just want to be used, Lord, used to the fullest in the best means you intend for me.

This year, I am going to be praying big. I want to be amazed and caused to fall face-down in the dirt in humility and awe when God moves and answers prayer in ways I could never "ask for or even imagine." It excites me and thrills me to think of what He might do in this next year, both here in central Iowa and to prepare my husband and I to move on.

Who knows. Who knows. Only God-Almighty. And I am okay living today and waiting on Him for tomorrow.