What is happening?

I feel like things are going crazy in my life! I havent even posted a blog since November 30th? Where is the time going? Why are days flying past me? Sometimes I sit and just think, pretty much I sit and think all the time. Lately I have been having strange thoughts. Just wonderings, really. Wondering why time flies faster now than ever before. Wondering how it happened that Im married now! Sometimes it feels like Im just playing make-believe, like when I was younger I'd play house with my sisters. I wonder what am I doing with my life? Why am I here in this job when my heart longs to be elsewhere? Will I ever make friends again? Will I ever find the time to do the things I really want to do in this life?

I found out my grandpa has lung cancer. It's stage 4. Im getting worried, even though everyone who's been there says it's a waste of energy to worry. Well, I cant help it. And I think it's causing other thoughts, randomly, to creep into my head. I dont want to waste my life. I DONT WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE. My heart is screaming out for something more, and Im feeding it with meager morsels of pop culture, hit tv shows, and laziness. I feel trapped, and I dont want to be trapped. I want to make the most out of every opportunity, and stop wasting away. I dont want to get to the end of my life and be content collecting seashells in a warm climate. And most of all, I dont want my grandpa to die. He has so much to give, so much potential, and so much love for all of us, for people in this world. Why now? Why him? My heart is crying out.

I do believe God allows things like this to happen with great purpose. I am thankful for this wake-up call. I am thankful to be so close to him, to be with him during what could be his last days, to be able to watch him get more serious and intentional with his life. I hope that I will be sparked by his energy and by the Spirit of the Lord to get SERIOUS about my life.

I love you, Grandpa. And hope I can show you more and more.