What is happening?
I feel like things are going crazy in my life! I havent even posted a blog since November 30th? Where is the time going? Why are days flying past me? Sometimes I sit and just think, pretty much I sit and think all the time. Lately I have been having strange thoughts. Just wonderings, really. Wondering why time flies faster now than ever before. Wondering how it happened that Im married now! Sometimes it feels like Im just playing make-believe, like when I was younger I'd play house with my sisters. I wonder what am I doing with my life? Why am I here in this job when my heart longs to be elsewhere? Will I ever make friends again? Will I ever find the time to do the things I really want to do in this life?
I found out my grandpa has lung cancer. It's stage 4. Im getting worried, even though everyone who's been there says it's a waste of energy to worry. Well, I cant help it. And I think it's causing other thoughts, randomly, to creep into my head. I dont want to waste my life. I DONT WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE. My heart is screaming out for something more, and Im feeding it with meager morsels of pop culture, hit tv shows, and laziness. I feel trapped, and I dont want to be trapped. I want to make the most out of every opportunity, and stop wasting away. I dont want to get to the end of my life and be content collecting seashells in a warm climate. And most of all, I dont want my grandpa to die. He has so much to give, so much potential, and so much love for all of us, for people in this world. Why now? Why him? My heart is crying out.
I do believe God allows things like this to happen with great purpose. I am thankful for this wake-up call. I am thankful to be so close to him, to be with him during what could be his last days, to be able to watch him get more serious and intentional with his life. I hope that I will be sparked by his energy and by the Spirit of the Lord to get SERIOUS about my life.
I love you, Grandpa. And hope I can show you more and more.
posted by Kelli B @ 12/06/2005 01:20:00 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
how did you meet your husband?
We actually met in Colorado, summer of 2004, through a summer training program with Navigators. We got married in March of this year (really quick!) and LOVE it. It's been a rush, it's amazing how God can quickly change our life...
(what i will say is not meant to discourage you only to encourage you in what i have percieved and experienced...i say this with love)
whats stopping you from enjoying this life you crave?
honestly....is it yourself?
you sound like you long for community...community with old friends, new friends, family...that takes work, sacrafice, patience and lots of love. but sittin around longing for it isn't going to make it happen. you got to get plugged in, plugged in to a church, plugged into some sort of group whether it be serving, community, social, study...whatever, plugged in to your community, plugged in to a job you like.
And with your desire to work in ministry....your every day should be a job in ministry..if your waiting for a "title" to say you work in ministry your waiting for the wrong thing. I know this because i experienced it when I was looking for that job at my church. I became so deflaited that I didn't get a job "working in ministry" then GOD smacked me on the head and said "yo, stupid....I have laid out your ministry field right before you...cease it, don't let some silly title in a church dictate what I can do with you." From that point on my attitude has changed, my spirit has been lifted and I have realized that my "job in minisrty" (work, small group leader, worship team, accountability partner, friend, family member) far exceded what I would of had if I had obtained the "title" at my church.
as cliche as it sound....carpe diem, cease the day. God has given you this wonderful life...cease it, live it, love it, and be patient with it. you're young, you got a lifetime to do Gods work...and he will do it.
what is navigators exactly?
So, I never really went back to read my comments! Derek - dont know if you'll read this again, but thanks for your words. Thanks for the challenge.
Biggest issue to me-I have a dream, I've had a dream for a long time. I've known what I've wanted to do with my life. I feel like I've let it go and IM stuck in this place I dont want to be. It's really hard to accept God's timing and will. Im not gonna lie-it sucks sometimes. But thanks for challenging me to make the most of my days.
PS-it's "seize" not "cease"! HA HA! Im a silly language-nerd. When I read it, it made me laugh because I read "Cease the day" like STOP! but now i gotcha.
And "Miss Princess"-Navigators is a collegiate ministry. I'll explain another time...
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